the one that is hard to write
Usually the end of the calendar year doesn’t mean that much to me. It’s more of a revolving door than the closing of one chapter and beginning of a new one.
But 2012 ending felt different than other years past. It’s been one of the hardest, darkest years as well as one of the most beautiful and exciting years. My emotions have been to all kinds of extremes, and while I continue to ride this roller coaster of feelings, I’ve arrived at stable and peaceful place.
Don’t be confused, this place of peace isn’t equal to a place of perfection, completely joy and happiness. It’s simply peace. Peace in the circumstances. Peace in my heart. Peace in knowing, really knowing, that God, and God alone, knows what the rest of my life looks like.
Justin and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year. And it hasn’t happened.
And I never thought I would be the girl struggling to get pregnant. I just assumed it would happen right away–because why would you assume otherwise unless you knew something was working against you?
It started in February, when we first began trying. The negative test didn’t wreck me in those first few months. I thought, and read–extensively, that sometimes it takes a few months. So, we continued. We moved, he graduated, we had things going on. Once things settled down, surely it will happen.
The dark months. The months of the realization that this may not go how I planned it. The months of weeping, the days of anger and jealousy. These were ugly days. I didn’t prepare for these. I anticipated sadness and disappointment. Even worry. But I didn’t anticipate anger to show up.
I had never felt both scared and furious at the same time. I was angry. And then I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself for being angry.
Why on earth am I mad about this?
There was a day this summer, a day that the hope died once again as my ‘time of the month’ arrived, that I broke down. I couldn’t handle it anymore. My husband, who has been amazingly calm, supportive, and perfect example of what it means to trust the Lord, didn’t know what to do for me. He would listen as I vent about my frustrations, and remind me, lovingly, to trust God, but he didn’t know what do to about my anger in the situation.
Ultimately, I needed to deal with my anger with God. Not anger at God, but anger at the fact that I wasn’t pregnant yet and I didn’t like that.
So I went on a walk, tears streaming down my face. I walked through our neighborhood to a new subdivision so no one would know me. I listened to Kris Allen’s “Let It Be” on repeat for about 45 minutes. I was going to repeat that song until I was able to let.it.be. I switched to Selah ,”It is well with my soul” before I walked back in my house. I remember standing on a bridge about 60 feet from our front door, waiting until I knew that this–this anger and lack of satisfaction with God’s plan–was over. It was one of the most emotional & spiritual times with the Lord I’ve ever had.
I chose to let it go. It wasn’t erased, I still felt sorrow, but I chose to trust the Lord with it. No matter what happens.
As we entered the Fall, we continued to try but I felt different about it. I knew then that I really, really trusted God with my future. My friend Allyson had recommended that I read Oswald Chambers’ Gracious Uncertainty. So I did. And the words came to life on the page as I read it.
So all this time that I spent worrying and planning my future should have instead been filled with the hope and anticipation for the uncertainty that is meant to be in my future.
I can’t go back and change how I started my walk down this road, and I wouldn’t. I have learned so much about what it means to wait. And to really give your worries and fears over to the Lord. And to let go of control and plans in your life. I’m thankful that I learned these things.
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if we’ll get pregnant. I don’t know if it will happen naturally, or if we will need medical assistance. I don’t know if we’ll have to bury the dream of getting pregnant. I don’t know if we’ll adopt. I don’t know if we’ll not have children at all.
But I’m not supposed to know. And that, that fact that I am not supposed to know, is what I can hang on to in this.
So I’m glad 2012 has come to a close. It was a tough year. But I’m also grateful to be moving on with peace in my heart that God knows, and it’s all going to be okay–whatever it is.
I’m nervously hopeful for 2013, because God may give us some answers. They might be tough. Or they may be wonderful.
It’s both rewarding and stimulating to finally let out the breath you’ve been holding in so long. I feel tired, but refreshed.
I’m so immensely thankful to know a gracious and loving God. To be able to read His Word, that is applicable and relative and valuable. And to be in relationships with friends and mentors that are to perfectly ordained by Him.
And I’m so very thankful for what a blessing my husband has been to me. I’ve never loved him more.
So, let me finish with saying this: if you are waiting for something. . . anxiously anticipating the next chapter of your life. . .You are prayed for. I pray for you women trying to get pregnant. I pray that you handle it better than I did!
And beyond that, know that the Lord, who loves you, is not surprised by what is happening in your life. He knows what will happen, and you have to try to rest in that.
*I do know that it can take well over a year for healthy couples to get pregnant. I’m also aware of everything that Justin and I can do in order to better our chances. My hope is that this post doesn’t read as a “cry for help/advice” but instead just a piece of my story that I wanted to share with you about something I learned. We are praying and hopeful that God provides answers for us this year as we continue trying!