January 10, 2013

the one that is hard to write

Usually the end of the calendar year doesn't mean that much to me. It's more of a revolving door than the closing of one chapter and beginning of a new one.

But 2012 ending felt different than other years past. It's been one of the hardest, darkest years as well as one of the most beautiful and exciting years. My emotions have been to all kinds of extremes, and while I continue to ride this roller coaster of feelings, I've arrived at stable and peaceful place. 

Don't be confused, this place of peace isn't equal to a place of perfection, completely joy and happiness. It's simply peace. Peace in the circumstances. Peace in my heart. Peace in knowing, really knowing, that God, and God alone, knows what the rest of my life looks like. 

Justin and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year. And it hasn't happened. 

And I never thought I would be the girl struggling to get pregnant. I just assumed it would happen right away--because why would you assume otherwise unless you knew something was working against you?

It started in February, when we first began trying. The negative test didn't wreck me in those first few months. I thought, and read--extensively, that sometimes it takes a few months. So, we continued. We moved, he graduated, we had things going on. Once things settled down, surely it will happen.

June.
July.
August.

The dark months. The months of the realization that this may not go how I planned it. The months of weeping, the days of anger and jealousy. These were ugly days. I didn't prepare for these. I anticipated sadness and disappointment. Even worry. But I didn't anticipate anger to show up.

I had never felt both scared and furious at the same time. I was angry. And then I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself for being angry. 

Why on earth am I mad about this? 

There was a day this summer, a day that the hope died once again as my 'time of the month' arrived, that I broke down. I couldn't handle it anymore. My husband, who has been amazingly calm, supportive, and perfect example of what it means to trust the Lord, didn't know what to do for me. He would listen as I vent about my frustrations, and remind me, lovingly, to trust God, but he didn't know what do to about my anger in the situation. 

Ultimately, I needed to deal with my anger with God. Not anger at God, but anger at the fact that I wasn't pregnant yet and I didn't like that.

So I went on a walk, tears streaming down my face. I walked through our neighborhood to a new subdivision so no one would know me. I listened to Kris Allen's "Let It Be" on repeat for about 45 minutes. I was going to repeat that song until I was able to let.it.be. I switched to Selah ,"It is well with my soul" before I walked back in my house. I remember standing on a bridge about 60 feet from our front door, waiting until I knew that this--this anger and lack of satisfaction with God's plan--was over. It was one of the most emotional & spiritual times with the Lord I've ever had.

I chose to let it go. It wasn't erased, I still felt sorrow, but I chose to trust the Lord with it. No matter what happens. 

As we entered the Fall, we continued to try but I felt different about it. I knew then that I really, really trusted God with my future. My friend Allyson had recommended that I read Oswald Chambers' Gracious Uncertainty. So I did. And the words came to life on the page as I read it. 



So all this time that I spent worrying and planning my future should have instead been filled with the hope and anticipation for the uncertainty that is meant to be in my future.

I can't go back and change how I started my walk down this road, and I wouldn't. I have learned so much about what it means to wait. And to really give your worries and fears over to the Lord. And to let go of control and plans in your life. I'm thankful that I learned these things.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if we'll get pregnant. I don't know if it will happen naturally, or if we will need medical assistance. I don't know if we'll have to bury the dream of getting pregnant. I don't know if we'll adopt. I don't know if we'll not have children at all.

But I'm not supposed to know. And that, that fact that I am not supposed to know, is what I can hang on to in this. 

So I'm glad 2012 has come to a close. It was a tough year. But I'm also grateful to be moving on with peace in my heart that God knows, and it's all going to be okay--whatever it is.

I'm nervously hopeful for 2013, because God may give us some answers. They might be tough. Or they may be wonderful. 

It's both rewarding and stimulating to finally let out the breath you've been holding in so long. I feel tired, but refreshed. 

I'm so immensely thankful to know a gracious and loving God. To be able to read His Word, that is applicable and relative and valuable. And to be in relationships with friends and mentors that are to perfectly ordained by Him.

And I'm so very thankful for what a blessing my husband has been to me. I've never loved him more. 

So, let me finish with saying this: if you are waiting for something. . . anxiously anticipating the next chapter of your life. . .You are prayed for. I pray for you women trying to get pregnant. I pray that you handle it better than I did! 

And beyond that, know that the Lord, who loves you, is not surprised by what is happening in your life. He knows what will happen, and you have to try to rest in that.

*I do know that it can take well over a year for healthy couples to get pregnant. I'm also aware of everything that Justin and I can do in order to better our chances. My hope is that this post doesn't read as a "cry for help/advice" but instead just a piece of my story that I wanted to share with you about something I learned. We are praying and hopeful that God provides answers for us this year as we continue trying! 

765 comments:

  1. Bless you for sharing, Kate. We went through something similar, had one precious boy, and then secondary infertility. Now we know he will be our only. It's a difficult road, and you are brave and gracious to open yourself up about it. Prayers for both you and Justin!

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    1. Thank you! Sorry to hear about your struggles, but am glad to hear you have a son!

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story. Your candid honesty is why I find myself coming back to your blog over and over. You will be in my prayers!

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  3. Oh sister, how I hurt with you over this pain that is all too familiar to my own heart! It is a hard thing to understand how God would let it be so easy for some, hard for others, and impossible for some of His own. I love that you have chosen to pursue Christ through this, and that you have experienced the love that covers all circumstances. God is nothing but good to us! Praying that 2013 is the year of God's favor for you (Isaiah 61)!

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  4. It's so hard to cast your cares on The Lord, but such a wonderful feeling when you do. I am so thankful God revealed His peace to you in this situation. And I'll pray for you both! This is the best post you've ever done. I hope it brings others closer to God. You are an inspiration!!

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    1. yes, it is a wonderful feeling to let go. :) thank you

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  5. Oh Kate, I have been in your shoes. I have felt the same feelings. Our struggle went on for five years. Those were the darkest five years of my life. God knew what he was doing though, and His timing was perfect. I'm here if you'd like to talk. I'd love to share my journey. Take care!

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    1. oh man, 5 years. Thanks for your support, it means a lot!

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  6. Thank you for sharing such an intimate struggle and how you are overcoming it with faith. Praying for you!

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  7. I know the feeling to the "t". My husband and I struggled to start a family for 2 years. Many feelings of frustration and anger towards God. Good thing you broke down at home and had time to come to peace with it all, mine was a day in Church when all hit home with me and it was a very confusing and heartfelt day. Just know God has a plan for you and your husband, it may not be the plan you had in mind, but his plan is PERFECT!

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    1. Isn't it nice to remember those exact moments when the break through happens? And I agree, His plan is perfect--whatever it may be.

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  8. Sounds like you and I had a similar 2012!!! I wrote a post similar to this about my infertility diagnosis with an eerily similar title. Thank you for your words of encouragement. :) At least we have peace that God has this under control even though we don't. This journey has taught me more about faith and hope than I ever thought possible.

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    1. Sorry to hear you had a similar year :/

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  9. From an experienced momma to a hopeful one . . . BIG HUGS!! It takes a lot of guts to get that open and honest out there on the big 'ol Internets.
    No advice, just hugs. Thankfully God knows just what we need, Amen?

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    1. Thank you for the virtual hug! :)

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  10. Sending you light & love - thank you for sharing.

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  11. I, too, have struggled with this very same thing. Over a year to get preggo with our first, over a year later to get preggo with our second only to loose our baby at 12 weeks. Same with the third and fourth babe. My heart aches for you. But you are right. God has the ultimate plan. Right now in my living room, watching Sponge Bob and playing together are my 5 year old 'home-grown' son and my 21 month old son from Uganda. And we are currently in the process of bringing a sweet 7 month old home from Eastern Europe. This was not my plan. Not what I thought would be my family. But I'm thankful His plans are not mine. His are way better! {as are His for you!} Sending love, peace, and prayers from Indiana...

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    1. My heart aches for you! Glad to hear you were blessed with children after all!

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  12. thank you for sharing your heart. when I started my blog I had no intention of sharing our struggle with infertility but am glad I did as I found so many other woman dealing with the same thing. It became such a blessing. My husband and I tried for two years and spent the last year going through so many different treatments and are finally pregnant! It amazes me how much I learned and how my husband and I grew, not to say that it also was a day by day struggle - one day feeling like I can wait for God's perfect timing and the next feeling so frustrated that my timing should be his timing. Will be praying for you to continue to surrender to God's plan, and praying for your sweet baby when he or she comes!!

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    1. There are SO.MANY.WOMEN struggling with this, but it's hard to talk about. Good for you for sharing your heart--it will bless so many others.

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  13. I'm so sorry you're going through this!
    I could've written this myself. We started in Feb., only I found myslef pregnant in June, and miscarried. I became pregnant again in July. I was super cautious, waited 12 weeks and 3 ultrasounds before spreading the news. A week later I miscarried again. Talk about coming to terms with God. Man have I let Him have my anger! I've listened to the same songs as well, read some great books. And in the end, my relationship with God is the strongest it's ever been! I completely understand your peace. I've found it too. I'll be praying for you. Wo knows, maybe we'll end up due date buddies? Sending you big hugs!!

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    1. I can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage. Sorry to hear that.

      Praying we are due date buddies. ;)

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  14. Hi Kate. Just wanted to thank you for your post. I can't relate personally to your struggle with not getting pregnant, but your Oswald Chambers quote spoke to a different struggle of mine so I thank you for posting it along with your story. I subscribe to your blog because of your awesome hair tutorials, but I want to let you know that it is really meaningful when you post something personal. That makes you a real person to me, not just someone with a really hip sense of style. And that is hard to come by these days. So thanks again, and keep trusting!

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  15. Thanks so much for sharing. I lost my very first baby to miscarriage very early on and was terrified that we would never be able to have children. I know too well that feeling of hurt and anger. God has since graciously blessed us with a little girl, followed by a boy a year later, and now we're getting ready for number 3's arrival this summer. Keep having faith and trust that His plan, while it's not always our plan, is a perfect one. So much love and hugs to you and Justin. Praying that God blesses you in so many ways!

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    1. Congrats on your 3! Thanks for praying. :)

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  16. I just want to say Thank you....I needed to hear this! I'm not in the same boat as you, but still worrying and going through the motions with my mom who has brain cancer. She's gone through treatments and had a decent report in October and then had some issues that I thought for sure was another tumor, but Glory to God it's not. My biggest struggle is not knowing what's to come and because I live 1,000 miles from her that makes my anxiety even worse. When should I go to visit, should I take a leave of absence to be with her?....so many unknowns, but reading your blog has given me hope of peace. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will be praying for you and your journey. You are a blessing to many!

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I can't imagine how difficult that is. Thank you for praying, I will pray for you too.

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  17. Know that I will be praying for you! I'm sure it is not easy to share something like this with others, but you put it into words beautifully. Thank you for the encouragement!

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  18. My husband and I went through the same thing. I had a miscarriage right after we started trying to get pregnant. It was the mist difficult thing I have had to deal with... losing a baby. And we tried for months and months after that. Finally five days before he deployed to Afghanistan, it was on Easter Sunday, we got pregnant! I didn't find out till after he left, but I was tracking my ovulation and taking oculation predictor tests, so I know that is the day of conception. It was the most wonderful gift God gave me to get through that Deployment. My advice to you is to stop trying. I had come to the realization that it was going to happen when it happened and I was going to stop stressing over it. And when I did, I got my baby. So just stop trying, relax, and have fun with your husband. It will happen for you! Just keep praying and have faith. Easier said than done, but it worked for me.

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  19. Thank you for sharing this, Kate! It was so beautifully written. You never know the struggles that others are going through when they look like the "have it all together." How cool is it to look back on this year and see how you've grown in the Lord! I'll be praying for you in the next year as you wait on the Lord's timing for your life. Again, thank you for sharing! You have touched me and I know you'll touch others!

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  20. I understand that pain and disappointment every month. It wasn't until I finally resolved myself to let God handle it, and not take another test, that I finally found some peace. It finally worked out for us and I hope it does for you too. Know there are millions of women in your situation and we're all praying for you.

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    1. Glad to hear it has worked for you! Thanks for your support!

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  21. Praying for you, Kate. I'm so happy for you for being honest and writing such a deep post. Wow. I know you're going to get a gazillion comments on this post, I feel like a lot of people can relate... myself as well. 2012 was a dark year as I suffered going through 4 miscarriages. It wasn't an easy path... and I feel for you. It was a difficult and dark road, but my husband and God kept me strong. I know you will be too, and I admire your strength!! I had to let go of "trying" and just let go. I lived my life.... and eventually got so mad I stopped thinking about it. I'm now 8 months pregnant and due next month. I know you're not looking for advice but just know my heart goes out to you and I look forward to you making a huge announcement <3

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    1. My heart aches reading this. But I'm glad to ALSO read that you are expecting! Congrats!

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  22. Oh Kate. This post makes me want to reach through my screen and hug you. Many of my friends have dealt with infertility and it is heartbreaking. Last year, three of them finally got pregnant, within months of each other. So there is hope.

    Although I'm not religious, I'm glad that you've found peace with the situation in a way that makes sense to you. Stay strong <3

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  23. Wow... What a powerful story. And it's not even finished yet! I'm so grateful that you've found that peace that truly passes all understanding. Praying for you and Justin- and remember when you're trusting and "delighting yourself" in The Lord, He loves to give you the desires of your heart!

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    1. Thanks Ash! I appreciate your comment!

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  24. I'm with you... it's been two years for us, and nothing so far. Thank you for pointing to Christ and His Word as the only hope. That is what we are trusting. His plan is always perfect and His will is always good!

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    1. Ugg, 2 years is a long time. Sorry to hear that. And I agree-His plan is perfect. Ours isn't.

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  25. oh Kate, What a great post. I haven't struggled with infertility, but I understand life not going the way you thought & waiting on the Lord. I mean, not that I handle is great either, but I understand a bit. Thanks for sharing & you are prayed for as well!

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  26. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us.Your story touched my heart and I wil be praying that God answers your prayers and opens that new door for you and your husband!
    HUGS!!

    ♥Sanwanya

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  27. Oh Kate, you are such a dear! I am 45 now, but in my twenties I struggled with the same thing as you did. It took me 18 months to get pregnant...I wish I could have had the insight and peace of mind that you have. I could have never written it like you did, you have a wonderful way with words. I do not think anyone will feel sorry for you, they will know that it truly came from your heart. I am praying for you and your future family. :) Thanks for being a blessing to all!

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    1. It took me a year to get here, but I'm thankful I'm here. Thanks for your support!

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  28. We had "secondary" infertility. Tried for a year, lots of blood work and frustration and two very painful early loses. Nothing major enough to see a specialist but it was enough of an issue to potentially make it so we couldn't carry a baby to term. Thyroid check after check, abnormal results but not enough to warrant any medication. My ovulation was screwy, I had extremely short cycles and ovulated too late in the cycle to give a baby a good strong start. But over a year later, after the second miscarriage we conceived. Your hormones go nuts after a miscarriage and although the loss was a devastating blow it was followed by an unexpected surprise (due to us this Feb). When it felt like hopes dashed and all was falling apart, God was putting pieces back into place. I know the feeling of falling to your knees, weeping, praying to God for an answer. Not even the outcome you had been hoping for, just an answer, an end to the worry, stress, frustration... I understand your heartache and I will be praying for your perfect answer, you're not alone on this journey. Bless you!

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    1. Secondary infertility is something I cannot imagine dealing with. How frustrating & painful! Thank you for praying.

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  29. You are such as amazing role model! I'm so thankful God has opened the door of this blog for you. You, and your sister's blog have helped guide me to increasing my relationship with Jesus. So know that you are here for a reason!! :)

    John 14:27
    Ellen

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    1. thank you for sharing that. It means a lot.

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  30. I am so sorry you are having to go down this path I've been down before too. I knew the minute I saw your post what it was about. I lost faith so many times over the 3 year period we were trying and lost 2 babies, even after the Lord blessed us with a third pregnancy I did not have much faith but the Lord had plans for our third baby, plans for her to be with us here. I will be praying for you.

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    1. Thank you Cassidy. Sorry to hear about your struggles.

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  31. My cousin tried for years and came to the fact that they were meant to adopt. Years later and in her 40's she found out that she was pregnant and now has 3 if her own! Don't give up and trust in God's timing. Things will happen when you least expect it!

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  32. It is always powerful writing when we share our stories. The desire to be pregnant, to have a baby, is so consuming. It is the most powerful urge and desire I have ever felt, with the least amount of guarantee. There will be women who read this who feel like you are writing this just for them, that they could have written this same post. I hope your sense of peace and acceptance with life, with living life in the meantime, extends to a whole world of women who are in that same dark place. Well done!

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    1. Consuming is the perfect word for it. Thank you for commenting.

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  33. I had a very similar realization and because of it finally found my way back to my faith. Once I let go and handed it over- I was blessed. This is a great post. Thanks for sharing.

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  34. Since I started blogging in September, I cannot believe the beautiful hearts I've found. I didn't know I was opening up so many doors of blessing to my life - reading about other people's pain and joy, and the way they have become stronger people. God bless you and thank you for sharing your heart! I'm so sorry you are going through this!

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  35. God is so good and His timing is so perfect. After 7 years of battling infertility issues and failed IVF attempts, God's perfect timing blessed our home with a beautiful, healthy,little boy through adoption. As I read your blog it took me back to those seven years of crying, praying, being told.."it will happen if you just relax!" (I wanted to respond if I haven't relaxed 7 years, infertility is NOT my issue! :)

    I've shared my testimony of how I became a Mama before and always thanked God for 12 months of "no's" for seven years. The journey taught me so much about His love for me, as you stated with you and your husband, it brought my husband and I closer to one another as well. Looking back at how I felt so alone, I see God's hand and love for me all over those seven years. I wouldn't change a thing and, I think if it had been as I planned... I would have missed out being a Mama to the child God meant for me to raise. I pray for God's perfect timing for you and your husband... what a testimony He is giving you.

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    1. Congrats on your baby boy! And hindsight is a gift, isn't it? To look back and see where God has directed us? I'm thankful for that too.

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  36. I'm so sorry you are going through this journey too. It's no fun, we have been trying for three and a half years, have tried 6 IUIs, have had two miscarriages and are now saving for InVitro in the fall. One book that helped me was "Hannah's Hope". It is written by a lady who battled infertility as well. It's an amazing book of comfort and hope. Praying 2013 will be a great year for you, going public with such a private battle is hard but I know what a relief it was to finally tell everyone. Prayers and hugs!

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  37. Praying for you and your hubby to continue to walk in His peace. As a 30-something single woman, I know that waiting you speak of and the peace that I continue to try to walk in - some days are easier than others - and I pray you continue to seek Him as well.

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  38. Kate,i want to tell u that i had the same feelings of depression, jealousy and hopelessness for about year and a half after my marriage.every single month i used to do pregnancy and every time, when it came negative i had a fit of depression.to make the matter worse,our consultant gyneacologist said that u have very very slim chance of getting pregnant normally, so he put us on ivf list and the wait for was 3 years.i prayed and prayed from God and can u imagine our gyneacologist gave us sad news and the next month i got pregnant.
    i just want to say that dont lose hope and faith on God and u will be there in the end and it will be soon.
    lots of love for u
    maria

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    1. glad to hear it worked out for you!

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  39. Kate, thank you for sharing your heart in this post. It is the ultimate testimony of being a Christian woman and truly having faith in God's plan for you. It's easy to talk to God and be at peace with His plan when things are going well, but relying on Him and trusting in difficult times, that's HUGE. Prayers to you!

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  40. Oh Kate, I will be sure to lift you and your husband up in my prayers. Although I have not yet struggled with infertility (my husband and I plan to begin "trying" this spring) I HAVE struggled often with "casting my cares upon Him" and fully trusting in his perfect sovereignty. I have by no means found all the answers, but I do know in my deepest heart that God, and God alone, knows all the pieces of the puzzle and truly knows the best and most perfect design for our lives - if we will only let Him lead. I am so happy that you have found peace within your soul to trust in the Lord for everything. May God bless you and your husband!

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  41. Now i have got 2 healthy boys and they are joy of our lives.

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  42. It is encouraging and refreshing to hear from a woman of God who not only exudes beauty on the outside, but can speak from a place of beauty on the inside. God's timing is perfect (Eph. 2:10), and His plans for you are good (Jer. 29:11). Hold fast to your faith.

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  43. I am hoping and praying that you two become blessed with children. Infertility sucks and it is nice to hear you found peace. Something that I need to do.

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  44. Thank you for sharing this, all of this. Everything certainly does happen for a reason, even if we don't agree with, understand, or want it to happen at the time.
    I have faith that whatever is in store for you, will be great!
    *hugs*

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  45. Thank you for your beautifully written words. I am hooked! I can't wait to see how God plays this out in your life. He wraps us in His arms and allows us to show the world, through our brokenness, what it looks like to be truly loved by Him. Thanks Kate for your transparency.

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  46. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. My husband and I were very surprised to hear I was pregnant in May. In June I suffered an ectopic pregnancy. I have been trying ever since and it just isn't happening. I feel your pain. Its hard to come to the conclusion that things may not happen the way they plan.

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    1. Sorry to hear about your pain. . .

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  47. It's amazing how things happen! Keep a positive spirit. We battled infertility as well...trying for 7 years!! We were blessed with our first daughter through adoption 5 years ago. & then, went on to have a successful IVF treatment & have beautiful, healthy twin daughter. Keep your spirit up! :) Think positive! :) I know it's SO tough to do but there is an entire community of women going through the same thing & there to support you.

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    1. Thank you! Glad to hear you were blessed with children!

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  48. So brave of you to share this story. Praying for you sweet girl :-)

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  49. Thank you for your honesty. After going through a very painful divorce a few years ago, my immediate thought after reading your first few sentences, was that your marriage was falling apart. Because that was my experience. And then after getting further into your post, I thought - thank goodness. You still have that. You still have your marriage, and your love, and the person who means most to you is still standing there with his hand firmly in yours. With that alone, you are blessed.
    I have this taped to my computer: "When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better."
    xo

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    1. Sorry to hear about your divorce, I can't imagine the grief you feel. And thanks for sharing that quote too!

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  50. Kate, I too have been waiting for something. A help mate. I've had to remind myself many times that God is not mean, that He loves His children. And that whatever is happening (or not happening) to me is because Jesus loves me. Take care, friend.

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  51. God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, right? It's amazing how some people look at children as their inconvenience and how others would give anything to have a child.
    I have a friend who was pregnant for 6 months and lost her child and grieves everyday, that was 4 years ago and they have been trying ever since then to get pregnant again. They want it so badly. I pray for them and I will pray for you. God Bless!

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  52. Kate! Thank you for your testimony and faith! My sweet hubby and I have tried to get pregnant for three Years this year and haven't had any luck. I have had the same emotional roller coaster as you! A quote I hang on to dearly is " faith in the Lord includes faith in his timing " its by Neil A. Maxwell. We look to 2013 with a perfect brightness of faith and hope! Prayers and hugs!

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    1. Thank you! Sorry to hear about your struggles as well.

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  53. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal part of your life with us. Your honesty is refreshing. We never truly know what is going on in other's lives. I will pray for you. Let go and let God.
    xo

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  54. Kate, I read your blog daily and have never commented until today. First, I want you to know that I look forward to your entries every morning. I have enjoyed learning about you and trying new things thanks to your blog. Your highs and lows from 2012 are all too familiar for me as my husband and I tried for almost 2 years to get pregnant. We finally did last July (with the help of our wonderful fertility doctors) only to miscarry Labor Day weekend. We've been trying since then unsuccessfully and just yesterday I learned of another roadblock in our infertility journey. I know we will get past it and I am hopeful and faithful for a happy 2013. As we reach 2 1/2 years of trying, I can honestly say through everything it has brought my husband and I closer than I could have imagined and I am working on my faith. Please know that you are very brave and not alone. I wish you continued peace and love in 2013 and please keep blogging!

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    1. Sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for your comment, and for reading.

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  55. We have been trying for 2 years. Went to get simple semen analysis. Very low count. Repeated it and same thing. We have a low chance of conceiving. There's no reason for it just the way it is. I don't know that I want to do IVF & neither does he. He thinks it can still happen. It could. But if it doesn't then we will find other things to do. All my friends are starting to have kids so I understand. If you don't go on facebook so much it helps to not think about it. On FB I am bombarded by baby pictures it's just overload. It's also different because I still want to know how THEY are doing... Not their kid. Their status is always about the kid... I'm like but how are YOU doing? I worry I won't keep my friends if they have kids and we are a childless couple. I don't want to lose them. But in all this I have no doubt my husband is THE ONE for me!

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    1. Sometimes there isn't a reason. And comparison is the thief of joy. but TRUST ME. I know about the difficulties of seeing everyone else around you pregnant.

      Hope it happens for you two.

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  56. You are an incredibly brave and honest woman to be so open about your struggles, not just with trying to get pregnant, but with "letting it be" and putting things in God's hands. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself as I know, coming from a woman of faith as well, that many (probably most!) of us struggle with allowing the Lord to take the wheel. This is probably even harder when we are feeling desperate and wanting and hoping for something with all of our being. Thank you for sharing.

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  57. Thank you for sharing. Stay positive and know that you have so many people praying for you!

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  58. I woke up just 20 minutes ago with totally different worries, and saw your post on FB, which led me here. Bless you for sharing and being so honest. Your story has changed the course of my day! I am letting.it.be. and more importantly trusting our Lord!! No perfection here either, but I know only He can give me peace in the midst of any storm. Thank you, Kate, for your wonderful heartfelt post!

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  59. I am a newcomer to your fantastic, lovely blog. Thank you for being so honest and candid as you pour out your heart. I'm not in this season of my life, but one of my dearest friends had been. She and her husband tried for 3 years to get pregnant. Nothing seemed to be wrong, but it was a very long season of life for her, and she had to deal with the same things. Finally, just about a year ago, she had her son. And he's one of the biggest blessings to all of us and one of the sweetest babies I've ever met. And to just think, that if they had gotten pregnant any other time then that, we wouldn't have him. It might not help, but I know God has some little person that is going to be such a blessing in your life!

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  60. What a beautiful story of encouragement and how to "let it go" in a way that truly sets you free! Not an easy road to walk, I struggled to fall pregnant with my first husband for 7 years, and through some pretty challenging circumstances I have re-married and had the thought of "what if I can't fall pregnant this time?"...we started trying from the get-go and are expecting our honeymoon baby in March this year! It's been an incredible journey of healing and seeing just how faithful God is!

    Will trust that the journey is smooth and that His face will be your focus no matter what!

    x

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  61. When I saw your facebook post, I was afraid that this is what it was about. While I am so very sorry for what you are going through, sharing your story is the best thing you could have possibly done because now you know you are not alone. Infertility is the most isolating thing I have ever been through. From the time we started trying until our son was born was 5 years. That includes trying on our own, (only 6 months before I went to a specialist because we were both 3o)getting a plethora of tests, a new ob/gyn, (thankful for that because I ADORE him) 1 successful IVF, 1 miscarriage, 2 negative IVF's, cconsultations with 6 new RE's, a year off for mental health, (because I had indeed hit rock bottom) 2 therapists, acupuncture, yoga, massage therapy, choosing a new RE, wishing, hoping, and praying, praying, praying. And all the while everyone around me was getting pregnant with ease. It seemed that there was an trend of unwed pregnancies in those years. I lost friends, who I know believe were never really friends. On the flip side, I gained friends. And the ones are gained are ridiculously amazing. My most valuable friends, in fact. The ones I can turn to about anything without fear of being judged. The ones I can always count on, no matter what. It's hard on your marriage. You get closer, you get torn apart. And the media portrays this all pretty harshly, so it's hard to come forward. Hopefully now you can find a little peace from carrying this all on your own because now you have "friends" who have been there. If you need anything -- questions answered, an ear to bend, whatever -- do not hesitate to ask. Thinking of you, with love and prayers.

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  62. The Lord gave me these words when I was going through a very dark period in my life a few years ago:

    His Will
    His Time
    His Plan
    Not mine

    I woke up with those words in my heart and from that day on, I could raise my hands and praise the God who gives and the God who takes away. And I KNEW in my soul that He is the Great I AM.

    Sweet sister, it will happen in the way that it's meant to at the EXACT moment it's meant to. And when that day does come, the darkness will melt away and it won't ever be remembered. But the closeness and love that you develop during the dark time will stay with you forever and ever.

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  63. Wow! This really hit home to me this morning! What a blessing to read this and to read where you are at today. A year and a half ago, my husband took a job 2 1/2 hours from our home. We put our home on the market and planned to move where he was. However, we are still sitting here with the same home under us and no real moves made on it. I think I have reached the same place as you now, knowing that I'm not supposed to know all the ins and outs, understand it all, or know when and if things are going to change. I'm thankful for the reminders that He sends to me from even strangers like you who just encourage me to keep plugging! Thank you so much for your honesty! I'll be praying for you!

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  64. Thank you for this, one of my biggest challenges is being patient and letting Him work his plans......especially trying to start a family! Please know that y'all are added to our prayer list!

    Carly
    www.lipglossandcrayons.com

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  65. Thank you for sharing your personal story.... Praying for encouragement as you wait on his timing.

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  66. Gods timing is perfect timing!!! I was you 7 years ago. After trying for a year and a half I finally told my doctor its time to find out what is wrong. Had my husband tested and myself. I found out I was not ovulating! No ovulation means no preggo! I was diagnosed with PCOS and Endometriosis. I had a couple of IUIs along with taking Clomid to force ovulations. The Clomid turned me into a monster. I ended up on depression medication because I had hit rock bottom. I was mad at God! How could these women be granted the ability to have babies when they are not married when I was doing EVERYTHING right!! I finally decided that I had enough. I stopped the meds and gave it to God! That exact month I got a BFP!! Today, 3 babies later I realize that Gods timing IS PERFECT! Yes, I did need the medical intervention but even after that God knew the time was not right! HE wanted me to put my trust in HIM! Once I did, HE took over AND decided to show off! Please post along your journey as you will be in our prayers!

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  67. Thoughts and prayers for you! It took us 5 months to get our sweet girl and I thought that was hard. We experienced secondary IF andi it took 18 months and medical intvention to g my beautiful boy. Those 18 months were so isolating, especially more after we met with the doctor to only hear "unexplained secondary if". Glad there wasnt a problem, but even more frustraing trying to fix it. I hope you ar given your miracle and see those two pink lines sooner than later!

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  68. I don't comment often, but just had to today upon reading this post. So many women I know are struggling with infertility and it's just heartbreaking - and much more common than a lot of people believe. My husband and I, despite getting pregnant quickly after deciding to try, lost our first pregnancy in a miscarriage last summer. It was the hardest thing we have dealt with so far and I had some SERIOUS anger. I found myself questioning God and just not understanding the 'why' part of it. We are pregnant again now, and I am just trying to leave my trust in the Lord. It's a daily struggle for me, as I tend to be a worrier of the worst variety. Your message from Oswald Chambers today really spoke to me - on several different levels, with many different things that we are facing in our lives right now (including the pregnancy, which I still find myself scared about sometimes after losing the first one). Thank you for your honesty and bravery is deciding to share this with us. I know it can be hard to open your heart up on topics like this, but please know that you are not alone! Sending prayers and love your way:)

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  69. Kate, kudos for sharing your experience. I had a similar situation in trying to get pregnant and experienced all of these same emotions. I know first hand the anger, feelings of defeat, of failure, and of feeling like you are in it alone. Please know that you aren't. For us, the road to pregnancy did require some light medical interventions, but we had it easy in comparison to some couples. I'll be thinking about you and your husband; sending good thoughts you way.

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  70. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your heart today, I needed this! My story is different, but the message God has in it is the same. I am also in a season of waiting and uncertainty, and I keep telling myself that I am totally trusting in God. However, I struggle through that. I'm grabbing that book as soon as I can get my hands on it! God Bless you and your hubs for being so transparent - that's what God has called us all to do! Your obedience to Him is an inspiration to us all! Praying for you!

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  71. Before a had one miscarriage before my first son. Then my husband and I decided to wait about two to three years to try again but it wasn't easy the way I thought it would be. I was in the same path as yours, waiting, crying and praying every month hoping that the home pregnancy test will come out positve. I was very neglectful of what God's plan for our family all I wanted is to have a second baby, I had 4 early miscarriages and it wasn't pleasant feeling at all. I've been a believer and lover of God for so long but somehow, somewhere during this "conceiving" journey I lost track of entrusting everything to HIM. Until one of my quiet time came and God revealed to me "Be still and Know that I'm God" Psalm 46:10, from then on I found "Peace" in my heart and in my mind that no matter what "to conceive or not to conceive" God is still in control. Then that night in my dream, I know God spoke to me and told me "My Child one more, I'll give you one more". Searching for answer praying that I'll understand what it means. Then a few weeks after my oldest son's 5th Birthday I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. Now I have a 7 yr. old and 2 yr. old two healthy and active boys.
    I pray that by grace you'll find God's peace in your heart to face every struggling moment in your life.
    I give you God's blessings tha He will grant your heart's desire.

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  72. Kate, I have been down this same road. I understand the feelings of anger and despair and I am so happy to hear that your are finding your way through those feelings.

    My husband and I spent five long years hoping and praying for a baby. When we finally gave up and accepted that it wasn't going to happen only then did God decide the time was right for us. My son will be 14 in a couple weeks. I realize now that this was the best plan for us and HE knew it all along. I will pray that His plan for you brings your dream of starting a family to reality.





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  73. I went through the same thing with my husband for over 4 years. Treatments and 2 miscarriages. It was the hardest 4 years of my life. Eventually in God's time, not mine, which was the hardest part of the struggle to accept I was blessed with a little girl. Infertility changes you, not just during the time trying, but even after. Thank you for sharing. And I know you have touched many readers by sharing your story. It seems as if no one ever wants to talk about infertility. I remember how important it was for me to learn about someone else struggling, so i didn't feel so alone. Bless you on this road that you are on right now. You are not alone.

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  74. We tried for 8 long years, and even though I know what my God can do, I was to the point of giving up and accepting that it was not His plan for us and when I began to try to work through and accept that, 2 lines appeared on the stick. We have a beautiful 3 month old, but my heart still hurts for those waiting. I never ever want to forget the pain of not having her, of being where you are, for it will make me appreciate her that much more. If it is to be, your time will come, in His time. Prayers and hugs.

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  75. Thank you for encouraging my heart this morning. Praying for you and Justin.

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  76. Kate, back in the day (30 years ago!) I also tried for about a year. My cycles were whacky (every 45-60 days). We had some very preliminary tests done and then starting temping and lo and behold I finally got pregnant. I did go on to have 3 children. Now my daughter has been trying for a year as well and I know how disappointing and heartbreaking it is. She has an appointment with a fertility doctor in March and not sure the route that will be taken as yet. She is 24 and her husband is 19 years older so they really wanted this to happen sooner rather than later. My prayers are with you and my daughter as you go through this and maybe it will work for both of you at the same time and I can be doubly (is that a word?) excited!

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  77. Thinking of you! Blessings to you and your husband. I hope 2013 is a better year.

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  78. You are the picture of each of us who are waiting on God's timing, the anger when it doesn't go our way, the questions of why and what he wants in our lives. I too have always watched your hair videos and known in my heart you must be an amazing person because of the care show to us in your videos. God sees that amazing person as well Kate and when we finally bend like the willow tree and trust in God's plan and WILL, not our own, we begin to see results. I am so thankful you have a man of faith to walk with you on this journey. The WILL of God will never lead you where the Grace of God will not protect you. Praying for you as well.

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  79. Being patient is a struggle I deal with daily. Whether it be spiritual, physical, emotional, I stress about what the future holds. You have been, and will continue to be, in my prayers. Your blog is something I look forward to everyday and I am so excited to see what the future holds for you and your husband!

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  80. Kate,

    Thank you for sharing your story. Having gone through it myself, I know how hard it is to put yourself out there. My husband and I struggled for 2.5 years before finally getting pregnant last summer (I'm due in April). We went through surgeries, procedures, medicines, just about everything. It's hard and it's discouraging, so know that you're not alone in your feelings of frustration and anger. I'm praying for you and your husband. That you find peace and that you get your baby when it's time. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

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  81. Oh Kate, when I read your post this morning I went right back to 2011, I was in your shoes. I totally understand, TTC was one of the hardest times in my life. For years I thought it was so easy to get pregnant, yeah right! The truth is it’s a journey you don't know about until you start it. My husband and I started TTC We kept trying and I got a BFN every month. Then in August 2011 I finally got my BFP (that’s big fat positive). We were thrilled. Then a few weeks later I had a miscarriage. It was awful. The emotions that you go through are like a roller coaster. Then every month after that TTC again was harder and harder. I was angry, why did I lose my baby and of course it seems everyone around you is pregnant Finally at the start of 2012 we were able to start testing to see what was going on. Turns out I have a low thyroid. My doctor said let’s try some medication for that and if it doesn't work we will start fertility drugs. Two weeks later I got a BFP and now I am a mom to a beautiful little girl who is almost 4 months old. Talking about my situation through chat rooms, family and friends was awesome, I realized what I was feeling was the same as many other couples. Never give up, I pray this will be the year you get that beautiful baby 

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  82. Kate, I unfortunately know exactly what you are going through. My husband and I tried for 2 1/2 years to conceive, and even saw a fertility specialist regularly who said that everything looked fine. Now, we are blessed with a healthy amazing 3-year-old. I don't know if you have ever read this poem, but a friend of mine who went through the same thing shared it with me when I was struggling. I kept it posted on our refrigerator. God bless you and best wishes!

    http://www.dtm.org/Poems/Wait.html

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  83. My heart goes out to you & y'all will be in my prayers! Hang in there

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  84. Kate, your strength is inspiring, as is your faith in your God. I admire it. :-) Infertility is not easy. You and Justin will come out stronger in the end and when you've received your complete family in whatever way HE plans to give it to you, it will all have been worth it. Promise.

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  85. be patient and let your life unfold the way it was meant to be! xo

    http://allthingsprettyandlittle.blogspot.com/

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  86. Thank you Kate for your honesty and transperency. I'll be praying for you too.

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  87. Kate, thank you for sharing your story. Although I can't relate directly, I am definitely keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs!

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  88. A quote that brought me great peace through my struggles with infertility “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”-Joseph Campbell

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  89. I hope that 2013 brings you even more answers, hard to hear or wonderful and exciting. I'm so sorry for your struggle!

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  90. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I am on a similar journey and reading your post helps to give me peace :) I will keep you and your family in my prayers. May His Grace be with you!!!!

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  91. I remember you were training for a tri this past year. I know that training puts a lot of stress on the body, perhaps that could have been the problem? And if you were already stressed about getting pregnant, then that may have not have helped matters? I've read too that people trying to conceive need to up their healthy fats and go easier on the exercise. :) Hope this helps, sending positive vibes your way. :)

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  92. I am SO sorry you're experiencing this, though I appreciate your honesty and candor. I/we are having similar experiences but I have not turned to God the way I should have, not at all. I think God knew I needed to read this post this morning...because it brought tears to my eyes and gave me some things to think about. I hope this will be your year. And mine too :)

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  93. I completely identify with your post as well. It took us 6 years and finally a year of fertility treatments to get pregnant with twins that sadly were born into the arms of God when I was 5 months pregnant. We went back to the fertility dr's 3 months later and our first try got pregnant with my son who is now 4 and a half. Through all the struggle I never doubted it would happen for us, our road was not easy, I wasn't always calm, but my son is the biggest blessing and sweetest love and I know without a shadow of a doubt our journey was to bring us him.

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  94. This was exactly what I needed to read this morning, thank you so much for posting it. We had been trying for months, finally got pregnant and last week we had a miscarriage. Somedays I wonder what would be harder - life after miscarriage, or having not been pregnant after all this time at all. Your trust in the Lord and His plan for your life is inspiring :) And I am totally getting my hands on that book today. I am in the middle of reading Angie Smith's "What Women Fear" and would totally recommend it :) Praying for you both.

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  95. This has always been a huge fear of mine - I was diagnosed at 16 with Endometriosis and ever since then I've wondered if we will have trouble having a baby. We arn't to a point in our lives where we are ready for children yet, but when we get there I know that this will be a daily struggle for me as we try to conceive.

    I will be praying for you! I know how much I struggle with what could be for us, so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you. I wish you better luck in 2013! I'm sure God has a plan in mind for you - I hope that everything works out for you!

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  96. We struggled for 2 1/2 years. It is so hard. But, our marriage is definitely stronger because of it, and we are stronger people. It sounds like your husband is amazing and you are growing on this difficult journey. We did multiple treatments and got pregnant with IVF. Our little boy is 6 months. The entire process was so difficult, but he is here and healthy and we count our blessings every day. It will happen for you and your husband. I find that nothing ever happens when we plan it... it happens when HE plans it... and its always perfect timing. :)

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  97. Kate, this has brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing this. I will be praying for you and Justin.

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  98. I to am so sorry you're experiencing this! Sometimes God's timing can be so.....frustrating. :) I had quite a year also, not nearly as stressful as yours but I did learn that we are to walk along side of God, not rush ahead into the future and certainly not straggling behind, focused on the past. It's all part of that "child-like" faith idea....when they were little my kids didn't care where I was taking them as long as they could walk right beside me holding my hand. They trusted that I knew what I was doing, that I loved them, and wanted only the best for them. That's all God wants from us--for us to take his hand and ask "where to, Papa?".

    I'll be praying for y'all!!

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  99. Awww, the Lord is truly GRACIOUS, isn't he? He holds our past, our present and our future. He has great plans for us, yet we have to trust HIM to know what they are. I know you know that JOY comes from the Lord and nothing else. Keep looking to HIM and not what's expected. You'll find your relationship grow and a testimony to share. Praying for Gods abundant peace for you and your husband.

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  100. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this post. I know it wasn't easy to open up like this! Your post about grace is such a challenge to me and I too need to let go of 'my plans' of wanting to get pregnant on my time table and allow God to write my life story. Thank you again for this post. Praying for you and your husband and that God will give you the grace in the days ahead!

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  101. Kate, first thank you for sharing your story. I wanted to tell you about my sister. Her and her husband tried and tried, no success so they went for fertility testing. They were told their chances for getting pregnant we low. They gave up trying. But here they are pregnant and almost through the first trimester.
    God has a plan for each of us! He wouldn't put you through the struggle if he didn't know you could handle it and you did just that, you let the anger and frustration go!
    I hope it happens for you soon XoXo

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  102. My husband and I walked this path as well. For four years. And anger was every bit a part of my journey. You better believe it. I hardly recognized myself at times. And that was OK. I have no idea what this journey holds for you. But I know my realtionship with God was strengthened after my journey with this and my husband and I have never been closer. I pray the same for you.

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  103. Kate, Kate, Kate...oh how this was once me less than a decade ago. Darkest days...that is exactly how I would describe it to this day. It took us over a year to have my daughter (via fertility meds) and then when we jumped right back into trying when she was just 6 months old, tests revealed that it was almost impossible any method would ever work and how quite frankly, having my daughter was incomprehensible to the doctors given the greatness of my infertility. My daughter napped in her crib as I sat in my office chair and heard the words, "I'm very sorry, but we believe you are not going to have any more children...at least definitely not with your own eggs". I cried for a death that I felt within me. I do NOT know how my husband got me through it because I was irrational, irate, sad, broken, torn, helpless. He was there and supported me in every step, though at the time I felt I had ruined his life too - as we had planned to have a large family. Our doctors got aggressive with us - we had one shot literally (we had no medical coverage for IVF). The whole entire process was exhausting, painful, emotionally up and down all for the unknown. Long story short, on April 24, 2006 at exactly 10:25 a.m. the fertility office called to let me know that all of that had paid off and I was finally pregnant. A few weeks later we found out it was twins and the gratefulness I felt in my heart then has only grown one million times since. I never ever take a day for granted with my children. They don't yet understand the way they all came into our lives, but blessings is an understatement. I encourage you to keep that strength and pray and believe. The jealousy and the hateful feelings that you experienced are something we all have felt so don't forget we are human.It will change you as a woman, a wife, and a mom in glorious ways. I have faith in our wonderful world of medicine and I have faith in God that he will bless you too. You will find in your journey that so many of us go through this and you are not alone. I will keep you in my thoughts. xoxo

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  104. This is just such a beautiful post. I don't have anything clever to say about pregnancies, but I love how you eventually handled things with God.
    I was at a prayer meeting at my church yesterday, and I felt God taking control of this year. It was just such a relief to be able to give this year to Him - to dedicate it to Him, so that He can work through me and others this year. It brings such peace. I sense that's the same peace He has given to you.
    /Lea Binta

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  105. I've dealt with secondary infertility. We had no problem getting pregnant with our first child, but this one took us over a year to conceive. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with in my life. I'm so sorry you've had to walk this year with disappointments. I felt like I lost a baby with every negative pregnancy test.

    I hope your baby comes. And I hope it doesn't take too long. One wonderful thing is that a year marks the time when medical assistance is available to you. And that can be miraculous.

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  106. Thank you Kate for sharing your story. It is an emotional journey, trying to have kids, and everyone handles it differently. I think you will find now that you have put your story out there, how many people are in the same boat, have been struggling, and have been struggling to express it in a way others will understand. We too struggled, including miscarriages, surgery and endometriosis. At the end of the journey, when I just let go.....I happened to get pregnant on vacation. We were only able to have the one, but I thank God everyday for the chance to be her mom. However it is meant to be, it will be, and know that you can handle whatever life gives you.

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  107. That was so beautifully written. I love reading about the way one's hard times just cement their relationship with God even more. Sending prayers your way, for both this continuation of peace and whatever other amazing things God has to reveal to you!

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  108. Thanks for sharing your story! I know it couldn't have been easy. My husband and I have been trying for five months and I understand how frustrating it can be. Good luck in your journey this year

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  109. I am proud of you for sharing your story. After 31 months of trying ourselves, I decided to be brave and openly share our testimony on my blog. I've written 3 or 4 posts as of now. You're welcome read and join together in this journey. www.kevinandmel.com

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  110. Kate...Thank you for being so honestly transparent. I have needed to hear (read) these words for a while. My situation is very different, but it's so amazing that all things come back to leaving our lives in His hands. It's hard, but we have to learn to trust His hold on us better that our hold on ourselves. I pray that He continues to reveal His self to you, and that you find that the wait was truly worth it. Thank you for sharing your life and talents with us, I look forward to your blog everyday!

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  111. Praying for you and sending lots of hugs your way. Starting a family can be so challenging. I have a lot of friends who tried for well over a year before it happened. Most had it happen once they came to terms with it being in gods hands and out of theirs. I hope the same for you!

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  112. I know sharing this is hard. I've lurked on your blog for about a year now and reading this really hit home. It took 18 months for my ex husband (who was an ex at the time, lol) to get pregnant with our son. It's a confusing, frustrating time and you are definitely in my prayers.

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  113. Kate, I just have to share a few things that helped me in my journey to getting pregnant! We tried for almost two years (I was diagnosed with PCOS at a young age...and thought I would never have my own children) and recently found out that we are expecting sometime during the summer 2013! To God be the glory...even when we were struggling.

    But I didn't always feel that He should be praised. I had my moments. A fellow blogger recommended Psalm 103:1-5. It was a beautiful verse to cling to. And as of late, right before I found out we were expecting, Casting Crows "Voice of Truth" would play over and over in my head. Specifically the chorus:

    But the voice of truth tells me a DIFFERENT story
    And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
    And the voice of truth says "THIS IS FOR MY GLORY"
    Out of all the voices calling out to me
    I WILL CHOOSE TO LISTEN AND BELIEVE THE VOICE OF TRUTH.

    I wrote out the chorus and bolded the capital words, then I hung it next to my bathroom mirror. Every time I saw it, I was reminded that God was claiming my life and my story for His glory. It was so comforting to me.

    I will be praying for you. I know this struggle and I know the light that comes when you are able to gain solid ground with Christ. It is a beautiful and freeing thing. May you be able to cling to His truths and continue having peace in His plan.

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  114. Praying for you during this time of waiting. I can certainly relate to those feelings as we await the next chapter in our lives as well. Thank you for sharing this piece of your story. It helps to have a reminder that God is completely in control and we can rest in Him.

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  115. Kate, I have been reading your wonderful blog for quite awhile now.

    I just wanted to tell you that i have been in your exact shoes. After struggling for 2 years to conceive, we will be welcoming our first in about 3 months. There are so many things that doctors are able to do these days. There is an immense amount of hope left for you.

    I know how difficult it is to deal with all the feelings that come along with infertility. It's hard! Day to day it is definitely a struggle. You sound so strong to be adopting a "what will be, will be" attitude and i really admire you for that. It is no easy task. I really hope, with all my being, that things will work out for you.

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  116. I think sometimes you need those break down, crying, angry moments so that you can reevaluate and then when it does happen or you are pointed in a different direction, you will appreciate more than you may have before. You're in my thoughts.

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  117. Kate, thank you for taking the emotional risk of writing this. It reveals a deep love for and ultimate trust in God and His plan, but without being kitschy or "pat-Christian-answer-y". If that makes any sense.

    Anyway, please know that I'll be praying for and with you on this journey.

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  118. Thank you for sharing your story. It is very brave of you to put it out there. My husband and I have also been going through the same thing for a year. It is crazy how similar our timeline has been. I have been using this time to strength my faith as it was something I had prayed for for many years to strengthen my relationship with the lord, to become immersed in his word, and he has answered that prayer. I have also used this year to work on getting fit. My mantra has been faith and fitness work on things you can control. I say that to myself many times a day. So I am in the best shape both physically and spiritually I have ever been in my life praising him for his answered prayer and perfect will. Thank you again for sharing your story you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  119. Hi Kate i am sorry that you have had such a hard time over the past year and i think you are very brave to share this story with us all.

    I struggled for about 10 months to get pregnant then a good friend of mine recommended i try a program called Ovusoft and a book called Taking charge of your fertility by Tony Weschler and by following the instructions to the letter i was pregnant by the next month, now i am not saying that this method will def work for you but it is worth a shot and you have nothing to lose apart form a few bucks. here is the link http://www.tcoyf.com/ i think its worth trying before you go to see a specialist. Good luck and god bless

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  120. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles- I know how this is s it was 4 years and many tears before we were blessed finally. My pregnancy was far from easy and I was constantly feeling out of control and determined for answers to the madness that occurred during the nine months I carried my girls. All I could cling to was to know and have faith that God is in control, and He has His perfect reason for it all. Trusting and believing in His plan for me and these babies really hard. But, He didn't develop the human mind to figure out the future, and trusting in His way is all we can do and is simply what he asks of us as believers.

    *Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
    *Psalm 25: 4-5 "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
    *Philippians 4:4-6 "Rejoice in the Lord always. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord."

    Praying for you, sister

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  121. I cried when I read your post. That was me a few years ago. It took two years to get pregnant. There were times when I thought every one was rubbing their kids and pregnancies in my face. I didn't know why it wasn't happening. I wanted it more thank anything else in the world. Then right before we were scheduled to start fertility treatments we got pregnant. It wasn't an easy pregnancy and he was born 10 weeks early. We spent 3 months in the NICU. He turned 3 the week before Christmas. He's the best Christmas present I've ever. I know its hard and nothing anyone says can make it easier. But I'll be praying for you. someday it'll , maybe not the way you hoped or thought it would, but it'll happen. Just continue praying and keep your options open. Big hugs!

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  122. Thank you for sharing. I just found out yesterday that we have suffered our second miscarriage in the past 7 months. The road we are traveling is dark and we too are relying on God to lead us through.

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  123. An emotional and inspiring post, Kate. Thank you for sharing your struggles and reinforcing the faith in God's will and plan for my life.
    In the last year, my husband and I got pregnant three times and lost all three of our little unborn souls. I, too, am glad that 2012 is over. We were devastated, angry, hurt, sad beyond comparison and everything in between. But in all of this, we found that we have so much to be thankful for - each other, our healthy five year old and hope ... Hope and faith.

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  124. Thank you so much for writing this. My husband and I have been trying since May, and it hasn't happened like I thought it would! You know, in high school, they tell you if you even look at a boy, you will get pregnant! It's not as easy as that!!!! I've had some down days. But right now, as we are still trying, I am focusing on making myself healthy. I've started exercising, and telling myself that it will happen when God wants it to happen, not when I do. As I pray for us, I will also pray for you guys! We all need it!

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  125. We had struggles too (including 2 miscarriages) and today I have 3 beautiful children. Prayers for you. It's all in His time.

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  126. Kate,
    You are a very brave woman for sharing your struggles. And I know just how you feel. We tried for a year and it didn't happen. So we decided to do Foster care. Fast forward 4 years; We found out we were goingto be able to adopt our 2 oldest sons. A few months later we found out we were pregnant. We weren't even trying at that point, we didn't think it was going to happen for us. Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways. I firmly believe that he was waiting for us to get the boys first. We've been trying for almost 2 years again and nothing so far. What has helped me the most is a website I found. Www.fertilityties.com There are so many other woman on there sharing their stories. It's comforting to have virtual friends going through the same horrible situation. I will keep you in my prayers! Try out the website for support too. It really helped me.

    Lindsay

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  127. That IS so hard to write/talk about! It is difficult to accept that it is out of our control, but I am so very glad to you know that God is gracious and loving and good! My husband and I tried (have been trying) for almost 2 years. Last month, we became Foster parents for the first time. I was nervous that it would make me more angry that I couldn't get pregnant, but above all else, it showed me that God knows and chooses what sweet babies will be a part of our family, no matter how long they stay with us. Praying for you, and hoping God provides peace and understanding in all things.

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  128. The advice you give is good for all types of struggles.... Coming from someone likewise stepping into the unknown on a different topic... Having faith one day at a time.... God has his own TimeTable and it may not be our own.... I recommend the book Your Beautiful Purpose by Susie Larson....

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  129. Kate, I will say extra prayers for you all in this. I did not have my daughter until I was 32, so I understand where you're coming from.

    Just know there are lots of people praying for you, and for the little one that will be part of your family one day.

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  130. Please take a look at this blog- I have followed this womans story and it's beautiful! http://youwereborninourhearts.blogspot.com/

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  131. Do you have Chris Tomlin's new CD? Burning Lights. #9 is called Sovereign and I thought of it as I read your post. I think you'll like it.
    Just prayed for you & your hubby. Blessings to you!

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  132. Thank you for sharing this, my brother is in the Marine Corps and he will be deploying soon. I am his older sister...I worry a lot about him. I really needed to sit back and "let it be". You are a very strong woman to sit there and write this, God is amazing and sends amazing people in our lives to help us along the journey we don't know we are going to be walking through. Bless you and your family. My prayers are with you and your family. Sing a song of Praise throughout the days!

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  133. Having struggled with infertility for 4 years (with each of my daughters :), I'm hesitant to give advice. I'll only say that you're in a healthy place when putting it in God's hands. He sees you and KNOWS.

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  134. thank you for being such an open conduit of God's grace, mercy, and love. I am so sorry that you have to go through this - it's amazing how so many women struggle with this, but no one talks about it. You are so wonderful and strong for sharing. Kate, I will be praying for you ALL the time - I know He will bless you immensely in 2013.

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  135. Kate,
    Thank you for sharing your past year and your heart with us your readers. I appreciate your vulnerability with us, I am sure it wasn't an easy thing to do. I have added you and Justin to my prayer list. God is faithful and works all things together for good to those who love him. Believing that the peace he has given you at the beginning of this year will carry you through whatever comes along the way in 2013.
    Amy

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  136. Kate, thank you so much for sharing this! I pray that God continues to give you peace.

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  137. I love your blog, and I am currently wearing one of you hairdos :) When I read today's blog, I read the first line about your struggle and started to cry. This too is my story. I have a sweet 4 year old and want more children. For some reason, #2 has been way harder than the first. We tried for a year and a half - nothing. We did it all too. I watched everyone around me announce babies on facebook, blogs, etc. and would get SO upset. I was completely surprised by this emotion as were you. The anger was crazy. So, I prayed. And prayed. And found peace. It took a while.

    And what do you know? By the grace of God, I am pregnant with precious #2. So trust me, it will happen. I know it. I feel it.

    Thank you for sharing. God bless.

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  138. Kate, I am so sorry that you are going through that emotional struggle! I'm going to share my story with you, not because it's the same but because it's the opposite. I get pregnant, let's just say, easily. I have 2 little boys that are 18 months apart. In November, I found out I was pregnant again. I was in total shock, not knowing if I could handle 3 little children. I was scared out of my mind. As the weeks passed, I became more used to the idea that I was going to have a 3rd baby. That is until December 27th, when I started bleeding. I was shaking, and so scared. I knew something was wrong. The next day it was immensely worse, and I went to the ER. It was there that I found out I was miscarrying my baby. I was alone, and the ER staff wasn't very compassionate. My heart is very broken in a way that I didn't know it could break. I mean, I never met this baby and it was only 8 weeks gestation so it shouldn't be hard, right? Wrong. I've been avoiding people who knew I was pregnant, so I don't have to say "Actually, I had a miscarriage.", because it brings up all the feelings I've been hiding. Yesterday was the first time I had to do that, and I was on the verge of a breakdown right that second. I know this isn't just like your story, but I want you to know that you are not alone when it comes to heartbreak. It's hard, very hard, but because we believe in God and His plan, we can get through this. My best advice for you is to relax, take a breath, and try not to stress over it. I am praying for you, and hoping that God gives you a little bundle of joy. It WILL happen, and it WILL be the best gift EVER! *Sending you love from IN*

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  139. Kate, while I didn't struggle with fertility, other reasons led to years of delay in having children when I wanted. I finally gave birth to my son in August. Looking into his eyes, knowing that I wouldn't have him in my life had all of those other situations not taken place, gives me incredible peace knowing that there truly was a reason that I had to wait. I know that you will be a wonderful mom some day. I pray that you will be able to look into your child's eyes and have that same peace VERY soon. **hugs!** Thanks for sharing. You are an amazing woman!

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  140. THANK YOU!!!

    I myself have been struggling through for 2.5 years with no explanation. Some days are better than others. I never we would have to struggle to start a family. Every atom in my body has been tested, but I have not broken yet.

    Continue to share your story because those of us who don't need a voice. We may be on different paths but we are are all on the same journey.

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  141. Kate, this post is a wonderful witness. Thanks for sharing.

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  142. Kate,
    Thank you so much for your raw honesty and vulnerability in this post today. It couldn't have been easy to put your journey out here like this, but the Father knew these were words that I needed to read today. While my walk is different and my frustration has not been with pregnancy, I do understand hope deferred. Not understanding the where and why's of God's plan can be so frustrating for us sometimes, but knowing that others have faced this same thing is a gentle reminder that I'm human and it's not my job to understand His ways. Thanks for the encouragement to lean in a little closer to His heart and trust Him today!

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